About Living

Dear reader,

I know I've not been writing for quite sometime. There are alot of things happen in my life and I don't know how to put it in words, therefore, I let my blog hanging, unwritten. To whom that read my blog, i am truly sorry not to write and update you guys.

Sometimes i feel like I've been struck by lightning. Seriously dowh. Aku rasa hidup agak selesa sebelum ni; belajar, lek lek, berenang, gelak gelak, gurau senda etc. Tapi sekarang semua sendiri dan rasa macam, Ya Allah.. susahnya hidup. Maaflah, tak bermaksud nak merungut tapi seriously, lepas satu.. satu kejadian yang tidak diingini berlaku dalam hidup. Letih derr.. Letih.

I've been working for almost a year now. I'm okay with it but truly, from the deep of my heart, i wasn't happy about the whole operation. I believe i'm still young in the industry, so i just shut my mouth and smile. Seriously, tahan kata dalam hati memang menyakitkan.

So i applied Master and alhamdullillah dapat; UiTM di hatiku lerr.. =) So i quit my job, just like that. Some say i was stupid because they pay me well. Some say it's about time to let go and padan muka mereka. Some say I should do both; working and studying. People do have their own opinion, I respect that, tapi yang sakitnya aku. Yang sakitnya hati aku. So i quit, without looking back.

My first Master class was last week, got my first bundle of assignments and reading. Terbaik. But then, my car broke down and i have to pay almost 2k to repair it. Eventhough my ibu wanted to help, but i am ashamed to ask for more. She already helped me to pay my study fees, what can i ask for more? I used my saving to pay the bloody mechanic and I'm broke.

After a year of saving, all the money i had is gone. I heard PTPTN or scholarship money will be distribute on May. The saving i had was supposedly to keep me breathing until May, is gone. Hence, with no money to live, i took a part-time job in my previous company. Terasa macam aku dah ludah dan terpaksa jilat balik ludah aku. I was at my lowest point of life. I am still, now.

I am ashamed to be in this position right now. I am angry because all of my savings are gone.I guess life doesn't turn out as what i planned. In this period of time, I believe the best thing to do is to hold on. I should focus on the people and things that i have, not the things that are already gone. In the same time, I should rethink of the relationship between myself and Allah SWT. The relationship i build with Him was not as strong as before. I was stupid.

Everyone has overcome pain, self-loathing and depression at some point in their lives. It seems to be unwritten rule - everyone has to feel a certain time of intense suffering. I truly believe that there's a reason for me to be here (eventhough the reason was completely unclear to me at this point). Life is along haul of trail and error, change and effort and the arduous task of finding myself.